When I write, I’ve noticed I’m often sifting through my baggage. Writing is fun, it’s my vocation, and it’s also therapy. I usually don’t realize how a work symbolizes some part of my life, either something I’m working on or something I need to work on, until I’m already into it. This time, I’m about midway through my current story, Carillon’s Curse, and starting to tease out its theme. (I start out with some vague idea of a novel’s theme, then zero in on it as I write.)
I’m still piecing it together, but a component of it slapped me right upside the head.
I’ve always been a people pleaser. I gush over strangers, have few boundaries, and put the wants of others ahead of my own. I shrink in unfamiliar—and sometimes in familiar environments—trying to take up as little room as possible. A friend once said, “Do you realize how many times you say you’re sorry? Why are you so sorry?”
Basically, I’m sorry I’m alive. I’m sorry for the space I take up on this planet. I think this stems from growing up with a physically and emotionally abusive parent. I always thought if I was good—if I could be oh, so very, very good—I wouldn’t be hurt. I guess I also internalized her anger and resentment toward me.
Three months ago I started transitioning from female to male. After saying I was genderqueer for a long time, I finally realized that I had been saying that because I didn’t think transitioning was a real option. The pandemic hit, and my shell cracked wide open. To my surprise, my husband was fully supportive. We’re closer now than ever before. (And we were pretty obnoxiously close before.)
I don’t know if it’s the testosterone, the pandemic, or my age, but I free and alive and valid. I’m not putting up with crap anymore. I’m not going back to that person who has to smile even when I’m feeling shitty. I don’t need to go out of my way to make everyone comfortable. I’m not sorry for being here. For the first time, when I celebrated Pride Month, I felt truly proud. I actually, maybe for the first time ever, really like myself.
Okay, so what does this have to do with a gay Western paranormal romance? Both of the main characters, in different ways and for different reasons, feel flawed and unworthy of love. These two good men, tied to their pasts and unable to attain true happiness, are chasing a serial killer who thinks he’s freaking awesome. This guy believes he’s helping his victims and society. He’s a narcissistic creep who, in his arrogance, is sure he has all of the answers.
My job, as the writer of this story, is to send these two good guys down the paths they need to stop this killer and find the love of their lives. Sometimes writers feel like gods. So often, as with this book, I feel more like a shepherd, guiding my heroes to a happily ever after.
Who knew shepherds sometimes learned from their lambs?
I had to think about that longer than I would have guessed. I write because sometimes I need to hide from the stresses of the real world, the wolves at the door that howl for blood and bone. Writing allows me to sink into an imaginary world I can control with characters I create who are braver than I am. At the same time I’m hiding, I’m also processing things that are happening in my life, or things that happened in my past. So, it’s a different kind of hiding than covering my head with a blanket, although sometimes that’s good, too.
Recently, I released the last book in my Love Songs for Lost Worlds trilogy, Infernal Hope. (The whole trilogy is available on Amazon.) I had traveled through three books, a horrendous presidency, a global pandemic, and an insurrection with Frank and Kasimir. I watched them grow at my fingertips, watched their love blossom. I saw my sweet (okay Frank’s not always that sweet!) boys grow into young men. They were not only my friends, they became a part of me like few characters ever have. I finished their story and let them go.
And then I became quite depressed. I had a new book outlined and waiting for me, but, after writing furiously while the world seemed to collapse, I found myself unable to write now that things were calmer. I wondered for a while if I truly had any more books in me. And if I did, would anyone read them? None of my books are best sellers. They’re such odd little things, they’ll probably never be.
Once I thought about it, I realized that I did, in fact, need to write no matter how many people read my books. I need to write for me. Being able to share my works with the world is a bonus, and I’m grateful for all of the people who read my books and connect with my characters. At the end of the day, though, I need to write to calm that feeling of static that rises from my skin. Writing doesn’t simply keep the wolves from my door, it gives me the power to make them my friends.
At last! Here’s the cover for the last book in the Love Songs for Lost Worlds trilogy, Infernal Hope! This lovely cover is by Aspen Rayne.
I’ve enjoyed writing this M/M fantasy/ PNR series so much and can’t wait to share Frank and Kasimir’s final adventure with the world. Although the first two books, Know Thy Demons and With Good Intentions ended on cliff hangers, this book gives the sweet demon and the ex-Necromancer the HEA they so richly deserve. Like so many of us, they had to work for it. They had to earn it. I hope readers enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed giving it to them.
It will be on pre-order from Amazon in April, and will be actually releasing May 3, 2021. Expect lots of action, heat, and heart.
Although I loved original book covers for Know Thy Demons and With Good Intentions, because it’s a series, I decided to update the covers this year as we get closer to the release of the third and final book in the Love Songs for LostWorlds series, Infernal Frank.
Here’s the cover for With Good Intentions: Book Two of Love Songs for Lost Worlds. It starts the day after the end of Know Thy Demons. I love writing for Kasimir and Frank and hope you enjoy their further adventures. The cover is by Mahinoor88 on Fiverr.
Here’s the cover for my upcoming release, Know Thy Demons, a steamy gay paranormal romance. The cover is by CJ Douglass. It features Kasimir, a demon whose feathered wings make him the object of his father’s ridicule.
Know Thy Demons will be available on Amazon August 24th!
Know Thy Demons, a paranormal M/M romance, is now available on Amazon! It’s on sale for 99 cents until Wed., August 26, 2020. After that it will be $3.99.
It’s 1985, but different….
Frank Hope is a troubled high school senior. Being gay in a small Texas town in the eighties is hard enough, but Frank’s also fighting to win back his ex-boyfriend, trying to graduate while hating school, and struggling to care for his sick mom. Despite his cynical nature, he tries to remain, well, hopeful. Everything he desires seems beyond his reach—until a newfound ability promises financial success and prestige. But success always comes with a price. What is Frank willing to sacrifice?
Kasimir is—humans would call Kasimir a demon. Kasimir’s people refer to themselves as the Eternals, who are engaged in a centuries’ long conflict with the mortals from another world. But Kasimir, sensitive and idealistic, can’t hate humans because he fell in love with a human boy named Frank while watching him through an interdimensional window when they were children. Now, as a priest scholar specializing in the study of humans, he’s set on finding his old crush. However, his boy has grown into something feared by all beings of the Eternal Realm.
Taking place in an alternative 1985 where demon essence fuels everything from mopeds to the space shuttle, this story of star-crossed lovers combines elements of fantasy and dystopian genres with gay romance while weaving together themes of surviving past trauma, breaking obsessions, and the transformative power of love.
Warning: period homophobia, hate speech, suicidal ideation, past suicide, explicit language, sex, violence, child abuse, drug abuse, smoking
If you’re needing a laugh and a steamy story of true love, pick up a copy of Chainmail and Velvet. It’s Because Faery Godmonster and His Dungeon Discovery snuggled under one beautiful cover designed by C J Douglass.
Opposites attract in a D&D-inspired fairytale land occupied by nightsprites, vampire werebears, hobgoblins, farting dwarves, and kindly druids who get stuck in the form of giant possums.
Amid the angst and crude humor, romance abounds and love, even when sorely tested, endures.